Lies Supporting Lies Supporting Yet More Lies

This morning as I sit at my keyboard, a fresh cup of coffee within arms reach I have been thinking to myself "what is the biggest lie I have ever told" I know what you are thinking, that I don't tell lies, I am an honest and trustworthy person. I don't disagree with you on most of that, but in reality, we all have lied or will lie at some point.

Since I have admitted that I have or will lie that still leaves me with the question of which is the largest and to whom did I tell it. Was it the employer? Was it to the police during my youthful rebellious phase? I have sat here and came up with at least twenty instances that I am not proud of but none of them is something I would consider the biggest lie I have ever told.

Strangely enough, the very first time I asked myself the question the answers sprang up, and just as quickly my sub-conscience pushed it back down, out of sight, out of mind. I guess you could say I have been stalling up until this point, even as I am while typing this now.

Big things are complicated. They usually have many moving parts and can be trying to operate. My biggest lie is no different as it is supported by many other lies that are supported by many other lies. Man, I sound like a terrible person but I am really just human, very human indeed.

The biggest lie I have ever told wasn't to a friend or foe. It wasn't to coverup something I had done, but something that I couldn't do. The largest lie I have ever told was to myself and I told it over three decades as though it was the truth. It was that I was like everyone else, my issues were common and I could manage them without the help of others. My answer was to work harder and push myself further and no one would know.

As many of you already know, I have an autoimmune disease as well as issues with my mental health. That was surprisingly hard to say though it isn't the first time I have shared it here. Even as I reread this I wanted to omit the truth that I suffer from a mental illness. I find myself, if not omitting it. wanting to clarify that it is a chemical imbalance, making it seem less stigmatic. If it is just chemistry how can anyone judge me as inadequate?

Lies supported by lies that are supported by even more lies. All told not to deceive others. All told to deceive me, to make me feel better about me but each worse than the other in the effects they have had on my soul.

It is hard to look into that dark place where you keep all the bad parts of yourself and pull out the worst of all, exposing it to the light it recoils against.

Lies piled on lies and piled on more lies. I can't even bring myself to share with you the details of what I suffer from. I can't force myself to list my mental health issues by name. I hear that little voice telling me to play it safe, that saying too much can only hurt my reputation. That what if there is actually nothing wrong with me?

So many lies...each harder to maintain than the one before.

Anyway, that is what is on my mind this morning. No moral of the story, no grand resolution highlighted by a witty revelation or turned phrase. Just a broken man talking about broken things.